To Every Thing - Turn, Turn, Turn...
This blog is going to be a somber one for others to read, but one of cleansing for me. I've always enjoyed writing and I've always viewed it as a way to give the feelings I have a place to live. I know some people will not agree with my method, but I am not ashamed of this blog and I am not afraid to share our story.
Pete and I suffered our first loss as a family last week - the loss of someone we never had the pleasure of meeting. I had a miscarriage.
On August 27th, the day after we moved into the house and two days after Pete's birthday I was at home unpacking and spending time with Rae. I had been strangely hungry a lot for the past week, tired and distracted - all reasons I had in the past to take a pregnancy test. So, I took one. And, then I took a second one. Both positive. I didn't tell Rae I was going to take it, so when I came downstairs I said "Hey Rae...I think I might be pregnant." She asked me why I thought that and I said "Because this pregnancy test says I am!" A humorous way to give her the news, I thought. When Pete came home that evening, I gave him some candy - Sugar Babies, Sour Patch Kids, and Junior Mints (tried to find the Baby Ruth, but no such luck). With a few hints and strange looks, he eventually figured out what I was trying to say.
I promptly scheduled my first appointment and was due to go in on September 21st. Pete was unable to make it to this appointment since he was in training in Kingston, so Rae went with me. I had the ultrasound and gave the doctor the first day of my last period, but something clearly wasn't right. The embryo was small for the timeline she had calculated. So, she told me she that one of two things was possible - (1) my period was late or (2) a miscarriage was going to happen because the embryo may have stopped growing. I scheduled and follow up and she said that if we got through the weekend without any issues, things were probably going to be fine. Rae is always so optimistic so we continued to talk about it as if there wasn't going to be any problem. And, we headed off to Barnes & Noble to get a pregnancy journal.
About a week passed and Pete and I had just gotten home from running errands when it happened. In the afternoon of September 29th, I officially had a miscarriage. It was strange and I wasn't sure how I felt at that point. I was sad...I don't think I was surprised. I told Pete and I cried. How could I not cry? I called the emergency line for the doctor's office and told them what happened. They just confirmed that I should come in for my follow up (as scheduled). On October 2nd, the doctor verified that there was no longer a baby. I cried again....
The worst part about the experience is that even after I had the miscarriage, the whole ordeal was not over yet. I had to take a pill to make sure that nothing was left. While I was warned about the possibility of severe cramps (severe enough to warrant a bottle of 20 hydrocodone pills!), they were almost non-existent. I won't go into the details, but it would be a week before I physically recovered.
My doctor (Dr Anne Kolwitz, Overlake OBGYN) has an amazing way of dealing with each situation appropriately. When I was pregnant with Piper, she seemed so stern and I actually considered finding a new doctor. But, there was something very trusting about her at that time. And, in the end I could not have been happier. She is stern and serious when the situation needs that and when a patient is truly in pain, she's sensitive and understanding. She hugged me after labor with Piper and she hugged me at the end of this appointment. I will be grateful for her, always.
The next step was telling the family. We hadn't shared anything with anyone except for Rae and Tristan. It felt strange to not say anything up until the point of loss, but I think it saved me more heartache by not saying anything until it was over. We told the family that night, starting with my mom. Everyone was wonderfully empathetic...but, I expected nothing less.
I've talked to friends and family a lot about my intuition in regards to my health. I think I have a great way of listening to my heart - it has not steered me wrong yet. And, through this brief pregnancy, I think a part of me knew something was different this time around. When we were pregnant with Piper, we wasted no time telling anyone. People knew before we even had a due date! But, this time, it was more secretive. I didn't feel the same uncontrollable excitement. And, the night before the miscarriage, I had a dream about that very thing. That morning when I woke up I told Pete I had a dream that I had a miscarriage. It's amazing what the subconscious is able to communicate if we listen.
So...next steps? We have been trying to get pregnant since the end of March. And, now we need to wait another two months to try again in order for my body to fully recover. The odds of miscarriage is higher for the first two months after having one. That's reason enough for me to wait. The downfall is....we have to wait. For me, that is the more difficult part of this. I want another baby so badly. My goals for the next two months are to focus on school, go to the gym (both as a stress reliever and a weight loss tool), and practice keeping my stress level down. I believe that is why it took us so long in the first place to get pregnant. But, only time will tell.
I never thought that I would be the one to miscarry. But, when I consider the statistics, it's a miracle every moment a baby is conceived. Babies are miracles.
Pete and I suffered our first loss as a family last week - the loss of someone we never had the pleasure of meeting. I had a miscarriage.
On August 27th, the day after we moved into the house and two days after Pete's birthday I was at home unpacking and spending time with Rae. I had been strangely hungry a lot for the past week, tired and distracted - all reasons I had in the past to take a pregnancy test. So, I took one. And, then I took a second one. Both positive. I didn't tell Rae I was going to take it, so when I came downstairs I said "Hey Rae...I think I might be pregnant." She asked me why I thought that and I said "Because this pregnancy test says I am!" A humorous way to give her the news, I thought. When Pete came home that evening, I gave him some candy - Sugar Babies, Sour Patch Kids, and Junior Mints (tried to find the Baby Ruth, but no such luck). With a few hints and strange looks, he eventually figured out what I was trying to say.
I promptly scheduled my first appointment and was due to go in on September 21st. Pete was unable to make it to this appointment since he was in training in Kingston, so Rae went with me. I had the ultrasound and gave the doctor the first day of my last period, but something clearly wasn't right. The embryo was small for the timeline she had calculated. So, she told me she that one of two things was possible - (1) my period was late or (2) a miscarriage was going to happen because the embryo may have stopped growing. I scheduled and follow up and she said that if we got through the weekend without any issues, things were probably going to be fine. Rae is always so optimistic so we continued to talk about it as if there wasn't going to be any problem. And, we headed off to Barnes & Noble to get a pregnancy journal.
About a week passed and Pete and I had just gotten home from running errands when it happened. In the afternoon of September 29th, I officially had a miscarriage. It was strange and I wasn't sure how I felt at that point. I was sad...I don't think I was surprised. I told Pete and I cried. How could I not cry? I called the emergency line for the doctor's office and told them what happened. They just confirmed that I should come in for my follow up (as scheduled). On October 2nd, the doctor verified that there was no longer a baby. I cried again....
The worst part about the experience is that even after I had the miscarriage, the whole ordeal was not over yet. I had to take a pill to make sure that nothing was left. While I was warned about the possibility of severe cramps (severe enough to warrant a bottle of 20 hydrocodone pills!), they were almost non-existent. I won't go into the details, but it would be a week before I physically recovered.
My doctor (Dr Anne Kolwitz, Overlake OBGYN) has an amazing way of dealing with each situation appropriately. When I was pregnant with Piper, she seemed so stern and I actually considered finding a new doctor. But, there was something very trusting about her at that time. And, in the end I could not have been happier. She is stern and serious when the situation needs that and when a patient is truly in pain, she's sensitive and understanding. She hugged me after labor with Piper and she hugged me at the end of this appointment. I will be grateful for her, always.
The next step was telling the family. We hadn't shared anything with anyone except for Rae and Tristan. It felt strange to not say anything up until the point of loss, but I think it saved me more heartache by not saying anything until it was over. We told the family that night, starting with my mom. Everyone was wonderfully empathetic...but, I expected nothing less.
I've talked to friends and family a lot about my intuition in regards to my health. I think I have a great way of listening to my heart - it has not steered me wrong yet. And, through this brief pregnancy, I think a part of me knew something was different this time around. When we were pregnant with Piper, we wasted no time telling anyone. People knew before we even had a due date! But, this time, it was more secretive. I didn't feel the same uncontrollable excitement. And, the night before the miscarriage, I had a dream about that very thing. That morning when I woke up I told Pete I had a dream that I had a miscarriage. It's amazing what the subconscious is able to communicate if we listen.
So...next steps? We have been trying to get pregnant since the end of March. And, now we need to wait another two months to try again in order for my body to fully recover. The odds of miscarriage is higher for the first two months after having one. That's reason enough for me to wait. The downfall is....we have to wait. For me, that is the more difficult part of this. I want another baby so badly. My goals for the next two months are to focus on school, go to the gym (both as a stress reliever and a weight loss tool), and practice keeping my stress level down. I believe that is why it took us so long in the first place to get pregnant. But, only time will tell.
I never thought that I would be the one to miscarry. But, when I consider the statistics, it's a miracle every moment a baby is conceived. Babies are miracles.